Beautiful Jokes
http://insultsdictionary.blogspot.com/
NASA JOKES
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost
any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
THE BAD NEWS JOKES
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they
meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into
his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I
can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
SEXTATISTICS JOKES
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
THE FU*CKING MAP JOKES
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's
lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual
three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low
wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can
only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each
other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able
to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes
to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"
PENGUINS JOKES
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of
penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with
penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the
truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls
the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins
to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
RECTAL THERMOMETER JOKES
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked
behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a
co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and
exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
MENSTRUATION JOKES
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back
down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind
for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that
was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself."
WHERE TO SPIT JOKES
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.
FIGHTING 4 3RD GRADE JOKES
On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon
as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I
should be in third grade!"
The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please
take his seat.
Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I
don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and
the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first
grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions
that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon
discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals
that the principal could think of.
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... "What does a
cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher.
"Legs!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants
that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.
"Pockets!" said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in
third grade, I missed those last two questions!"
A VIRUS NAMED WINDOWS JOKES
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay,
Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does
that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.
SCREWING THE REPORTER JOKES
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad
Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause
of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the
relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day,
but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
DEAD LAWYER JOKES
What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead
lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
LAWYERS VS TERRORISTS JOKES
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
UGLY BUYER JOKES
A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a
packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at
the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"
"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"
"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
GOLFER VS SKYDRIVER JOKES
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
UFO'S VS BLONDES JOKES
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
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